Love Potions, Anyone?
by ArikaPhantomess
Summary: I'm not great at humor, and this is my first one-shot. This is what every Valentine's day should be like. There is moderate slash.


A/N- Written in honor of how much I dislike Valentine's day. Two of the characters in this are only ones you know if you have read any of my failed Harry Potter fics. Lily and Julia Potter are Harry's triplets. There is a little slash in here.

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Snape breathed through his nose, peering at his lesson plans and shaking his head. Gathering his dignity around him as tightly as his cloak, he stood and announced in his usual cold voice, "Today, we do _love potions_." Many jaws fell open. "Here are the directions," he said, the tip of his wand making a snapping sound as it struck the board. "Now, there are many versions of love potions and in these each becomes personal to its maker. These potions are far beyond your capabilities. The ones you are going to make now are the base versions; if anything else is added, it becomes a personal love potion. Weasley..." Ron's ears turned pink. "As a redhead, you will need to add a carrot to your potion," Snape instructed. "Get to it."

Love potions were extremely complicated. "Polyjuice potions are harder," muttered Hermione out of the corner of her mouth. Being closest and thus the only ones to hear, both Harry and Julia agreed.

All through the class, students worked hard, but none so feverishly as Neville. While they worked, both Hermione and Lily whispered hints and instructions as the poor boy nearly fainted from anxiety. At long last, everyone was done and ready.

"Now," said Snape, "We will test them. Who will be first?" he asked menacingly, raising an eyebrow. "Ah, Mr. Longbottom. Your potion is almost white. What on earth did you add?"

Neville squeaked and whispered, "One cup of milk and a drop of honey."

Snape blinked. "Did you get this from your textbook?"

Uncertain, Neville nodded in hopes of avoiding conflict. It paid off. "See here, this pale colour," said Snape, splashing a little in the cauldron. "Neville had made the innocent's love potion. Characteristics of this maker include being very naive and also very trusting. Those who make this potion, which is, in fact, pink," he sneered, "have little experience in matters of the heart."

"Something to remember about a love potion, in order to make the most effective potion, you must know about yourself. If Mr. Longbottom had tried to make a different, stronger potion, its colour would not have been pink. More likely, it would have been blue."

Snape faced Neville's cauldron again, smirking, "And now to test it. Who shall take Mr. Longbottom's potion? I know. Miss Parkinson, to the front, if you please." Pansy made a noise of dissent and hesitated, but something about the way Snape's eyes glittered made her scramble to stand up. Snape conjured up a shot glass bearing a queen of hearts and indicated that she drink from that.

"Miss Parkinson, I want you to face away from Mr. Longbottom while you drink. All of you, watch her and see that with a personal love potion, it does not matter whom one sees first." Pansy picked up the shot glass filled with the white- pink liquid and downed it, setting the glass on the table upside-down like in a drinking contest. The first boy she saw was, in truth, Harry, but her eyes drew back to Neville. Her broad cheeks flushed a gaudy shade of pink and she began to giggle horribly behind her hand, batting her eyelashes at Neville. Neville blanched. Hermione patted his arm sympathetically.

"Miss Granger, I think Neville shall use your potion."

Hermione's potion was textbook perfect. Pink and evenly textured, Neville didn't have cause to worry when he had a shot of hers. His ears and cheeks turned a nicer colour of pink and he smiled shyly at Hermione, who beamed back at the success of her potion, but declined to take Neville's hand.

Snape sniffed, indicating yet another perfect potion from her. "Miss Granger, you will have a sip of Mr. Malfoy's."

Draco's potion, Lily noticed, was leaning heavily toward red, but had not quite achieved it yet. Snape splashed a little in the ladle so the class could see the colour. "Mr. Malfoy has made a mild form of a physical love potion. In fact, 'love' should not be applied to this mixture. The 'love' that this potion induces is a supposed physical love after a physical attraction; in other words, lust." He went on, "To avoid any, ahem, unpleasant circumstances, Mr. Malfoy's potion will be diluted with water." Snape tapped the shot glass and the potion inside lightened. "Here, Miss Granger."

More then a little fearful, Hermione took only half of the shot glass. Even so, her cheeks warmed considerably. She almost stood up to cross the room, but Lily and Ron firmly assured that she did not move. Through the rest of class, she cast long side glances at Draco when she hoped no one was looking.

On and on this went around the class from Harry's almost-blue-potion to Ron's violent orange one. The worst catastrophe so far was Seamus leaping over two tables to kiss Millicent Burlstrode, but several Gryffindors quickly restrained him after recovering from their collective shock. That _was_ the worst catastrophe, until Crabbe's potion, that is.

"Mr. Crabbe, your potion doesn't look very pink. In fact, it looks rather green." And so it was, Crabbe's potion was the color of new leaves in spring. Snape raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything for several heartbeats. Finally, he seemed to decide upon a course of action. "What Mr. Crabbe has managed to achieve is a potion that attracts members of the same gender. If this potion is taken by a member of the opposite sex, it will have no effect save a sour aftertaste. To demonstrate, Miss Zephyr, if you please." The Slytherin girl took the potion and suffered no lasting damage. "On the other hand, Mr. Goyle, have a shot." Goyle hesitated in momentary indecisiveness, but eventually, he took Crabbe's potion. The effect was predictable. Goyle gently leaned over and kissed Crabbe's cheek. What was unpredictable was that Crabbe kissed him back. While the class was held in surprise, the pair actually managed to have a decent game of tonsil hockey. Snape finally brought his wand down upon their heads and separated them.

The next potion he came to was Julia's.

"Miss Potter, what is this?" Snape's robes swirled around his ankles when he stopped to peer down at Julia's potion. Her potion was a light, pure pink and gave off a shimmery, silver mist that rose a few inches above the cauldron's rim and then vanished. It seemed that many of the girls in the class leaned forward in their chairs to see the potion better. "What, perchance, did you add to your potion?"

"A pinch of sugar, half of a pear, and a drop of vanilla extract," said Julia to her table, not daring to look up.

Snape nodded, slightly taken aback. "Miss Potter has made a pure love potion; untainted, undiluted and made with complete trust. This feminine potion represents a long relationship that will blossom and, in theory, will never fade. This is a rare potion, indeed, and few wizards who make it come out with this particular shade of pink." Snape's lip curled, "I think Mr. Malfoy should have a drink from your cauldron. Mr. Malfoy don't be timid."

Draco took the shot. The effect was almost immediate; his eyes brightened even when he wasn't looking at Julia. In a gentlemanly fashion, he took her hand and kissed it, palm up. It was quite obvious that he would have gone further, but Snape stepped smartly in between them and pushed Draco back in his seat. Draco sat gazing at Julia, hand in chin. Walking at a leisurely pace, Snape scanned the room once more for any untried potions.

At long last, Snape stood before Lily's potion. Her cauldron had a lid on it. "Now, now, Miss Potter. Are we afraid to show the class what we have made?"

Lily smiled disarmingly, "Of course not. Here, sir, allow me."

Lily's potion was scarlet red and from it billowed a thick red mist. The clouds wafted down over the table and across the floor, hovering around everyone's ankles and refusing to dispel. There came from the potion a strong scent, a pleasant one, but one that no one could name. One interesting side effect was profound on the boys in the class. Many male pairs of eyes widened and more than a few boys shifted uncomfortably in their seats. Even Snape's sallow face seemed to pale when he got a noseful of Lily's potion.

"Miss Potter has made a most unusual type of love potion as well," he said in the most even tone possible, "Hers is a love that represents a long relationship that has flared into a physical passion. A very stable potion. Why don't you share with us what your extra ingredients were, Miss Potter?"

Lily ducked her head in an imitation of politeness. "Well, there was a powdered stick of cinnamon, a shaving of orange peel, a pinch of nutmeg, some ginger, one or two cloves, a tablespoon of sugar and a Godiva chocolate. Also, I added a red rose petal, half a pitted cherry and part of a passion fruit."

Snape smiled joylessly. "Sugar, spice and all things sensual; that makes for a powerful potion. I wonder if we should even test it... but it would be unfair to leave such a brew out. Who will try Miss Potter's potion? No one volunteers? Mr. Weasley, why don't you have a sip?" A snicker ran through the Slytherins. Ron blanched; Lily's smile faded.

Ron almost snatched the potion from the table the second Snape set down the full- strength potion. Never hesitating, Ron tossed it back like a pro. No matter how much he was already attracted to Lily due to the potion's steam, or how fast he had taken the potion, the effect the potion had was slow. For many moments, nothing happened to Ron.

What did happen was so gradual, no one noticed until the entirety of his ears were pink and fast becoming red. The same effect applied to the rest of Ron's face. Though it took little more than a minute, Ron's face became a uniform red. His eyes flushed a deeper blue and he ducked his head. Lily looked for a minute, trying to decipher what was happening to him.

Before anyone knew what happened, including Ron, not two, not three, but four tables were knocked out of the way in Ron's haste to reach Lily. Hands that were Ron's, but were also not Ron's, ripped the blouse from Lily's torso. Lily almost didn't know; her tongue was halfway down his throat. Involuntarily, Lily arched her back now certain there were ten long, red lines paralleling her spine. Giving a smile with a spice, Lily lifted herself off the ground and anchored her legs around Ron's waist, almost at the same time those unattached hands felt below her pants-line. This paragraph happened in less than seven seconds.

Immediately after regaining his senses, which took long enough to render Ron shirtless as well, Snape was between them in a flash of light, temporarily blinding the couple. Strong Gryffindor hands pulled Ron away while a specific pair of Slytherin's dusted Lily off.

"Class dismissed, then."

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A/N- This is my first one-shot. I'm just so proud. Please review it.


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